目次
On Rain and Planes
皆さま、ごきげんよう。
どうかこの文章を読んでくださっている今、雨に降られてはいませんように。「ゲリラ豪雨」と呼ばれる、突然の土砂降りに巻き込まれていなければよいのですが。
あの手の雨というものは、なぜか傘を持たずに出かけた日に限って襲ってくるものです。「天気予報を見たから大丈夫」と安心した、その矢先にやって来るのですね。
もっとも、多くの場合は、自分の鼻や目、そして少しばかり頭を働かせれば十分なのです。空を見上げて、「おや、これは雨になりそうだ」と気づけることも少なくありません。A・A・ミルンの『くまのプーさん』で、クリストファー・ロビンがそんなふうにつぶやく場面があります。- “Tut, tut, it looks like rain” もし原書をまだ読んだことがなければ、ぜひ一度手に取ってみてください。とりわけE・H・シェパードの挿絵は実に素晴らしく、その後の児童文学に計り知れない影響を与えています。
Good day to you, dear readers and I hope this finds you dry and not caught up in what the Japanese call “guerrilla rainstorms.” You know, the sort of sudden downpours that tend to sneak up on you and unleash a surprise deluge, rather unexpectedly. This is the sort of thing that seems to happen just when you forget to bring an umbrella because, you’ve decided to “consult the weather report,” instead of your nose, your eyes, and your brain. Because, in most cases a judicious application of these fine natural endowments would lead one to look up at the sky and say, “Tut, tut, it looks like rain,” like the character Christopher Robin in A.A. Milne’s marvelous 1926 work Winnie-the-Pooh. If you haven’t read the original, you simply must – especially for E. H. Shepard’s charming illustrations which have inspired children’s books authors for ages.
私は雨そのものは嫌いではありません。以前にもお話ししましたが、静かな雨が窓の外で降り、私は家の中でコーヒーを片手に本を読んでいる―そんな時間はむしろ好きなくらいです。
けれども、あのような豪雨だけは実に困りものです。
もちろん、その原因は皆さんもご存じでしょう。ほとんどの場合、雨降り小僧たちのいたずらなのです。
ええ、また妖怪の仕業です。とはいえ、彼らも人間を困らせようと本気で考えているわけではありません。突然の大雨を降らせるのは確かに迷惑ですが、多くの「小僧」と名の付く妖怪は、せいぜい大人から一度しっかり叱られれば済む程度の悪戯好きなのです。
悲しいことに、彼らの多くは親のない身で、誰にも導かれず勝手気ままに育ってしまいました。その幼さゆえに、悪戯へと走ってしまうのでしょう。
もちろん、私は素行の悪さを正当化したいわけではありませんし、周囲へ迷惑をかける振る舞いを軽く見るつもりもありません。ただ、そうした悪戯は、取り返しのつかない悲劇を生むような類のものではないのです。
Now, generally speaking I’m quite fond of the rain, especially – as noted previously – when it falls gently outside and I’m snugly indoors with a cup of coffee (or two) and perhaps a good book, but these sorts of cloudbursts are genuinely a nuisance. The cause of these torrential ambushes, as many of you are already well aware I’m sure, is almost always the mischievous antics of the amefuri kozo. Yes, I’m afraid we yokai are once again are the source of many an inconvenience upon the human world, but I would like to state that generally speaking they don’t mean any particular harm by bringing about these (admittedly annoying) abrupt deluges. Indeed most of the so-called “kozo” yokai are, at worst, merely in dire need of a good spanking and stern rebuke by their elders. Yet the tragedy is many of these poor wretches are orphans, as it were, and are largely left to their own devices and their own immature machinations, hence their propensity for precocious pranks and whatnot. Again, it’s not my intention to make excuses for bad behavior or to dismiss the troublesome ways of what amounts to delinquency and disturbing the general peace, but in the long run these are not the sort of actions that lead to tragedy or irreparable harm.
もっとも、この件では少々身びいきが入っているかもしれません。
私には叔父がおりまして―いえ、人間の服装研究に夢中になっている、あの叔父とは別人です―それはそれは心優しい鬼なのです。
ロバート・ルイス・スティーヴンソンの言葉を借りれば、「善いことをする人」の一人、とでも申しましょうか。
ちなみに、私はかなり確かな筋から聞いたのですが、スティーヴンソン氏はある夕暮れ、散歩中に素顔の「鬼」を目撃してしまい、その衝撃が『ジキル博士とハイド氏』を書くきっかけになったそうです。もっとも、鬼にも守秘義務というものがありますので、詳しいことはまた別の機会にいたしましょう。
さて、その叔父は長年、身寄りのない妖怪たちの学校で校長を務めていました。行き場を失った若い妖怪たち、とりわけ小僧妖怪たちを立派な社会人ならぬ「立派な妖怪」に育て上げるため、文字どおり心血を注いだのです。
その功績が認められ、麒麟から祝福を受け、「賢者にして奉仕者」という称号まで授かりました。
詳しくは『妖怪総合新聞』をご覧いただければ……と言いたいところですが、あれは妖怪界限定の出版物で、人間には流通しておりません。実にもったいない話です。人間の皆さんにも興味深い記事がたくさん載っているのですが、両世界の間には長い年月をかけて築かれた決まりがありますので、田舎者の一介の鬼である私にはどうすることもできません。
おっと、少々しゃべりすぎましたね。
Though I must confess I do have some bias in this regard for you see, I have an uncle (no, a different uncle than the kindly old anthropologist with the fascination with human fashions) who, being a very kind-hearted and thoughtful oni is the sort, well…to quote the brilliant Scottish novelist Robert Louis Stevenson, “one of your fellows who do what they call good.” (Incidentally, I have it on very good authority that Mr. Stevenson had the misfortune to witness an unveiled-oni one fateful evening while out on his customary constitutional and the shock of it inspired the dream, or vision perhaps, that led to the penning of his brilliant work The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Although I am obligated to refrain from revealing any “trade secrets” we oni usually prefer to travel incognito and typically don a human form to avoid any unnecessary complications or invite any unwarranted attention. But let’s leave that matter for another time). At any rate, my dear uncle was the headmaster at a school for orphaned yokai for many years and oh, the stories he could tell you of wayward youth, many of them of the kozo variety, and how he poured his blood, sweat, and tears into turning them into upstanding and responsible members of yokai society. Why he was even blessed by a kirin and received the title of “Sage and Servant” for his years of selfless sacrifice. You can read all about it the Yokai General Gazette, or rather you could if you were able to secure a publication but it is, I regret to inform you, restricted to the yokai world and as such, human publishers are unable to distribute it without adhering to the strictest guidelines of secrecy. Which is a shame really, for I believe that many of the stories would be of great interest to the general human public, but as a humble, country oni I am unable to change the conventions, laws, and protocols that have existed for millennium between our two worlds. Forgive me dear readers, as I have said too much already.
さて、どこまで話しましたでしょう。
そうそう、突然の雨でした。
私にはどうにも不思議なのですが、気象予報士という立派なお仕事をされている方々が、なぜ雨降り小僧たち数人の動きすら読めないのでしょう。
彼らは確かに日曜日の午後など、人々が気持ちよく過ごしている頃を見計らって雨雲を集める悪戯好きではあります。しかし、決して忍者のように隠密行動をしているわけではありません。
かなり遠くからでも笑い声が聞こえてきますし、大勢で騒ぎながら歩いているので、すぐ分かります。
それに彼らは、自分たちの歌まで歌っているのです。
「Again, Again, we come with the rain to fill every mountain, and valley and plain, don’t chase us away or we’ll bring more of the same, come one, come on with the rain, the rain!」
これでは秘密工作とは到底呼べません。
それなのに、人間たちは毎回のように完全な不意打ちを食らい、土砂降りになると慌てて走り回ります。そしてようやくスマートフォンが「ゲリラ豪雨です」「急な雷雨です」と知らせてくれる頃には、もう全身ずぶ濡れです。
だから私は、便利な道具ばかりを頼りにする風潮が少々苦手なのです。
ほんの少し空を見て、昔ながらの勘を働かせれば、「これは荒れそうだ」と分かることも多いのですから。
But now, where was I? Oh yes! This business of rain, the sudden and unpleasant variety. Now, I for one cannot see why these so-called meteorologists who make these grand prognostications for a living cannot even determine the general course or movements of a handful of rascally amefuri kozo. I know they tend to sneak about waiting for just the right moment to stir up rainclouds, especially on a pleasant Sunday afternoon when everyone is out enjoying the sunshine (little rouges that they are). But it’s not as though these childish japes are carried as surreptitiously as they would hope, mind you. Why one can hear them giggling, sniggering, and generally carousing nearly a country-mile away. It’s also not as though these actions are carried out by a stealthy, tight-knit group of professional soldiers either but rather a chattering gaggle of juveniles announcing their plans to bring the rainclouds and the showers. Why, they even sing their own silly songs, for goodness sake! Yes, my friends, surely you’ve heard the old refrain, “Again, Again, we come with the rain, to fill every mountain, and valley and plain, don’t chase us away or we’ll bring more of the same, come one, come on with the rain, the rain!” This is hardly a clandestine action undertaken by masters of subterfuge.
And yet, despite all this, time and time again I see poor misguided and oblivious humans caught totally unawares and scattering about like stray cats when the downpour finally arrives, their phones bleating belated messages of “guerrilla rain” or “sudden thunderstorms” after they’re practically soaked to the bone. This is why I cannot abide such over-reliance on these sorts of gadgets and gizmos, amusing though they may be, when any human with even a scintilla of spiritual awareness or even just good old-fashioned common sense could clearly discern that the skies forebode that a storm was brewing.
そういうわけで、私は飛行機という乗り物もあまり好きになれません。
科学好きの従兄弟は、飛行機はいかに優れた設計で、安全で、効率がよく、人類最高の乗り物なのかを延々と語ります。頼みもしないのに、です。
ですが、田舎育ちの鬼である私には、飛行機というものはどうにも気まぐれな生き物に見えてしまいます。
以前も申し上げたように、自動車というのは主人に実によく尽くしてくれる存在です。それに比べると飛行機は、乗り物界の甘やかされた子どものようなもの。
少し雨が降っただけで飛べません。雪でも飛べません。風でも飛べません。整備が足りないと言っては飛べません。理由すら説明されず遅れることも珍しくありません。
なんとも扱いにくい乗り物です。
叔父ならきっとこう言うでしょう。
「必要なのは規律と訓練、それに正しい指導だ。」
雨降り小僧たちと同じで、本来の仕事を拒む癖がついてしまったのは、大人たちが甘やかしたせいなのです。航空技術者が何人も付き添い、操縦士まで機嫌を損ねないよう細心の注意を払っているではありませんか。
客室乗務員の皆さんも気の毒です。飛行機は、自分では指一本動かさず（もっとも指があるのかどうかも私には分かりませんが）、後片付けはすべて人任せ。それどころか感謝の言葉一つ口にしません。
聞くところによれば、お礼の代わりに出すのは警告灯ばかり。まるでお気に入りのおもちゃを取り上げられた幼子が、泣き出す前に顔をしかめるようなものです。
その点、自動車は立派です。持ち主が掃除もしなければ整備も怠りがちなのに、文句一つ言わず今日も元気に走り続けています。
しかも飛行機は、あれほど広い空を自由に飛んでいるにもかかわらず、予定された進路から少し外れただけで「乱気流だ」と騒ぎ始めます。
もし彼らが都会の朝の渋滞を100分の1でも経験したなら、一度の通勤で震えすぎて壊れてしまうでしょう。
もっとも、飛行機ばかり責めるのも酷かもしれません。
本当に叱られるべきなのは航空業界全体なのでしょう。甘やかしすぎた親にも責任があります。
いつの日か、自動車という頼れる先輩に倣えるよう、飛行機たちを厳しく鍛え直す人物が現れることを、私は密かに期待しております。
そう―雨の日というものは、人をこんなことまで考えさせるのです。
では皆さま、また次回お会いしましょう。Until next time, my friends!
It is for this reason that I also cannot abide riding in airplanes and view the entire practice as somewhat dodgy and all too temperamental. Now, my “science enthusiast” (let us be polite) cousin has often spoken at length (despite there being no great call among his relations for this sort of regalement) and, given the opportunity, will speak at even greater lengths I fear, about how marvelous aircraft are, how ingenious their design, and how they are among the swiftest, most efficient, and safest forms of travel for mankind. Well, forgive my rusticated nature dear readers, but it seems to me that these large hulking machines seem to be quite the capricious fellows and, unlike the noble automobiles which, as we have already discussed, have decided to become all the more accommodating to their masters, the plane I fear is much more the “spoiled child” in the realm of vehicles. Unable to carry on without the most unrelenting attention to detail and “maintenance,” apt to throw a fit and be “unable to takeoff” due to a bit of rain or snow or even wind, and all too frequently, “delayed” for some such reason or another – often times a reason is never even given, I’m told.
These are clearly the actions of a very disagreeable sort of transportation device and, if I may say, should not be indulged to such an extent as this will only encourage this sort of uncooperative and indolent attitude. The thing that planes need, as my uncle would say, “Is discipline, drilling, and direction.” No doubt, like the unruly kozo, these all too common refusals to carry out their stated purpose, indeed the whole object of their design, are based upon a lack of supervision, coddling by teams upon teams of aerospace engineers, to say nothing of the pilots who must treat them with the utmost delicacy for fear that they throw a tantrum at high altitude and cause all sorts of trouble for the passengers and crew. And just think of the poor crew! Why, they clean and tidy up after the plane – who evidently refuses to lift so much as a finger to help (assuming planes have fingers, though to tell you the truth my friends, I find their anatomy most peculiar and entirely incomprehensible). Well, at any rate, I’m sure they could, at the very least, offer a kind word now and again, or even a simple “Thank You.” Yet, again here I have been reliably informed that they only offer a series of “warning signs,” in the same way a toddler might begin to scrunch up his or her face when denied their favorite toy before launching into cries of fury and indignation.
Contrast this with the modest automobile and note that despite how generally negligent its owners are when it comes to maintenance, let alone cleanliness, it continues to chug along merrily, happy to be of service. This is all on top of one of the most absurd things about the mercurial dispositions of aircraft and that is the plain fact that despite having the wide-open skies at their disposal that the slightest bit of deviation from a predetermined course produces something called “turbulence” wherein the plane begins to shake about and fuss and generally cause a needless disturbance for all parties. Why, if planes had to deal with one one-hundredth of the stop and go nature of morning traffic in virtually every large city on earth, they’d shake themselves to bits with their nonsensical fits of “turbulence” in one trip to the office. And yet, I suppose one cannot be so hard on them without first looking to the irresponsible and, quite frankly, derelict actions of the entire “airline industry,” which is in dire need of a very serious rebuking for its negligent parentage. Though sadly, it appears as though no man has yet emerged to give the aeroplane tribes the sort of “tough love” needed to whip them into shape and join the ranks of their “senpai” the automobile to work towards the betterment of mankind as a whole. Well, let us hope that such a man shall one day take up this selfless but most necessary work.
Yes, these are the thoughts that take one captive during an unpredictably rainy day
Until next time, my friends!
What a splendid land this is, and how lovely are its people! Fear not, I promise not to eat anyone!
-Aka-Oni
